Isn't it just the truth? Good girls (or boys) always end up with someone bad for them. Right? We can call them silly, or naive, or a masochist; regardless the name, we just don't get why they would go out with him? What provokes the good guy to find love with the bad guy? What makes good-willed individuals so caught up in relationships with those they want to fix, or prove their devotion to, or prove to their partner that they are worthy of a loving, committed partner (even though they then treat this committed partner like absolute dirt)? It's a vicious cycle. And the worst part is that it is a cycle. A dynamic. And it's not all the other guy's fault.
This all seems very theoretical as I process this idea, so I'll try to make it a little more concrete. Perhaps examples will illuminate why you're in the shitty relationship you find yourself in (or trying to get out of).
Example 1 - Jack
The one who wants to fix everything, like Jack from LOST. This drive to fix everything and everyone in their path, this person seeks out partners who are broken. Not purposefully looking for the dangerous, borderline, criminal in transit, this person stumbles onto the other when in his greatest moment of need and is therefore ever connected to her. Because the other helped him out, he feels indebted to fix her while she is a pain in the ass the entire relationship (read: series), with no visible progress in her commitment to him. (If you haven't watched LOST, sorry for the assumption that you have). Not only is there indebtedness to this other in his life, he has an unquenchable thirst to help others. To fix others. This need to fix is a part of his DNA, his essence. But, this need to fix overlooks unconditional love (which is oh so essential to healthy relationships). Because he doesn't unconditionally love the others in his life (not to be confused with The Others in his life), he only wants to fix them, he misses an essential piece of being a partner himself. He fixates imperfection, allowing and thus perpetuates all his others' bad behaviors; leaving Jack only hurt and, ultimately, alone.
How many Jacks in life do you know? Those who have to fix, have to perfect, have to correct their partner before the relationship can begin? Maybe most importantly, why does Jack need to fix the others in his life? Does he need to fix others to solve himself? To feel worthy? To feel needed and validated as a person? The dynamic is real, and perpetuates the cycle in the relationship, but is a part of a relationship and not just the others' fault (no matter how much I want to blame Kate for everything that sucks on LOST).
Example 2 - Client A.
My inspiration for this blog comes from a client who chooses the "bad boy" today, because she hurt the "good guy" yesterday. I can't think of a character who exemplifies this right now, but if I do, I'll be sure to update. This client cheated on her husband years ago because she was having a hard time communicating with him following the sudden death of her father. They divorced shortly after. She now is dating a man whom she knows cheats on her, treats her poorly, talks to her disrespectfully, and shows her love and affection intermittently. She reports all of this disappointment and dissatisfaction openly to me. But has no desire to leave her partner. She knows that she is punishing herself by staying with someone like her current boyfriend. But she stays. And stays miserable. No hope of happiness or freedom. Just punishment for her past failures. She knowingly hurts herself because she knowingly hurt someone she loved . Tit for Tat. Messed up, right?
Not really, if you think about it. We all do crazy things to justify our past grievances. We all make up stories for why we tolerate the things we do in relationships. And we all feel better about our bad relationships when we equate them to "doing time" for something we did long ago.
Again, dynamic, relationship, cycle. Not singular or individual.
Example 3 - Client E.
Another inspiration for this entry comes from a client couple. The husband in this couple has cheated on his wife throughout their entire relationship. But she stays. Not because she feels guilty for a past offense (see Example 2), but because she needs the affirmation of a husband and a family. This guise of perfection is essential to her: happy family, happy job, happy home, happy husband. Her self-image and self-esteem hang squarely in the balance of her working through this travesty with her husband, together.
What makes this happen? What allows us to stay in relationships that are reprehensibly disastrous and hope for the best? To take the abuse?
Our self-image. We care about what others think about us. "Fake it 'til you make it," was a phrase on repeat to clients in a mental health unit I once worked on by my co-workers. But the frightening thing is, people do fake it and they often never make it. But they think they will. And maybe the hope is "making it" in and of itself. Maybe the hope is the goal.
... but I digress.
There are countless dynamics in relationships. These dynamics are what make a good relationship or a bad one. Not individual people.
People come to relationships from where they are at in their life. Sometimes they are able to reflect on the stuff they put up with when in a relationship; it's up to the person who puts up with this stuff to discover and uncover what and why they put up with what they do and if they are willing to continue to put up with it. It's not always "What does she see in him?" More often it's, "What does she get out of it?" We write stories about who we are because of who we are with (whether these stories are true to the outside observer).
To begin to love yourself and your partner, take time, observe, think. Figure out who you are in relationships. What role you play as a partner. What role you would like to play. What role you need your partner to play.
Then, start playing.
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