What's in a Name?

What is in a name?  What do different names, phrases, titles, labels mean to us?  What do they mean to others? For me, the most activating name is "Greg."  For others, it may be "Becky."  Who knows, but we all have names or labels we don't like so much, for lots of different reasons.

This entry isn't about names, necessarily.  It is about titles, labels, and things we call ourselves to better identify ourselves to the masses.  But sometimes (read: all the time), these labels mean something to someone else (usually the person we're talking to).  How can we express the way we identify ourselves to another without baggage and missed meanings that so often come along with what different words mean to different people.

Maybe clarifying what inspired this post may make this all a little less meta.

Recently, I was sitting with a lesbian couple in session.  One woman said, "I am not gay, that's not how I would identify."  Upon further exploration, this woman said she would self-identify as being bisexual, because, for her, she is attracted to and has dated/slept with/been in relationships with both men and women.

Her partner chuckled and said "I don't date bisexuals."  Upon my further exploring this, this woman felt that being bisexual meant an individual would have sex with "whoever" and that this label described someone who was more polyamorous than bisexual (at least by my definitions).

Both these women have points, and their own personal understanding of what "bisexual" means.  These may be discordant, but they still exist as realities for both parts of this couple.

How can we make each other understand what we mean by the way we identify, and how is could be different from how you understand what my identity means to me?

As a person who identifies as queer, I often get a lot of raised eyebrows and "what does that mean?" directed my way.  All *valid* questions, which are usually answered with "I am not heterosexual" or "My attraction to others is not contingent on that individual's genitals," depending on my audience.

But for many, especially of an older generation, the term "queer" is loaded with hateful meanings, disrespect, misunderstanding, and oppression.  As it becomes a term of academic reclaiming "queer" has taken on a new meaning, but that doesn't mean the old meaning goes away.

Explaining who we are and who we love is tricky stuff, and something I struggle with daily.  Finally finding my own peace with my sexual identity, I now face the challenge of explaining what this identity means to others as I understand it for myself.

As we look at couples, friends, and families who may all understand a word differently, how do we combat disagreement, anger, and arguing?

Accept the grey area?  Understand that the same word can mean different things to different people?  Have a lot of conversations about "what that means to me"?  Talk to one another? (Of course that's my solution!)

By having a clear understanding of who we are to ourselves, we can better explain who we are to others.  We can hope that we are the exception to each others' rules against "dating the bisexual," for example.  We can be the token example for our loved ones to understand something they thought they didn't understand or like or want to be around.  Because we are all individual.  We all describe things differently.  We all are different people by description and definition.  Let's celebrate this and explain who we are, how we've gotten there, and how we best understand ourselves, so we can have others better understand us as well.