I have no idea what I'm doing.

Today I was contacted by a local LGBT community support group, I have been trying to connect with to gain support and referrals through.  When contacted by the intern, I thought to myself, "ah, an intern" in a rather minimizing fashion.  I quickly realized that six months ago I was an intern.  I have been an intern more than anything else in my life, really.  So, I think that I'll use the space I have provided myself to check in about my gut reaction to an intern, or a new professional.

I know that as an intern, I felt I had to justify my qualifications, regardless of how prestigious the internship.  As an intern, you're a nobody, or at least I felt like that a lot.  Not in a terrible, self-esteem bruising kind of way.  Just as a fact.  I have no idea how such and such agency works, teach me.  I have no idea how this policy is implemented, someone show me.  You know, you just are accepted (if you're lucky) as the kid that doesn't really know what's going on, but hopefully will before the end of the year so the agency can get some free labor out of you.

Now, as a new professional, I advertise my prestigious internships and work I have done in the past five years so that people will take me seriously.  Why do I have this internal checker that says "they aren't going to think you're good enough, better tell them you are"?  Why can't I just know, and hold, and trust, that I am a good clinician, whether I'm full of it or not?  It's like this terrible, self-defeating voice in my head which says "I'm too young," "I'm too femme,"  "I dress this certain way, which isn't good enough for someone somewhere," "I'm a woman."  Do all of these things make me less of a clinician?  False.  They don't.  These things most certainly EFFECT treatment, and I'm not saying that gender, appearance, age, experience, etc, don't effect treatment, but these are things that I can't change, so why freak out about them and try to justify these Truths about me, when they are not going to change?

A lovely PostSecret I found months ago that hit home as I started my new career.

I don't have any idea what I'm doing, in a lot of areas of my life, but I do know that I love being a therapist, and already (as an intern, actually) I saw and heard how I affected my clients lives in real ways.  And I still have no idea what I'm doing. How about that?