We can't talk about love, sex, and relationships without talking about break-ups. Like death, break-ups are one of the hardest things to "know what to say" when it happens to a loved one, and it's even harder to know how to feel when break-ups happen to you.
As a sex-positive therapist, I like to see when my clients find a partner or sexual experience that changes their world for the better, and suffer alongside my clients when I hear their heart breaks or failed sexual endeavors. But, one often overlooked aspect of my career, is that I am very often (more often than not thus far) a break up counselor, and not a wedding planner.
One of my all-time favorite clients (yes, favorites totally happen, I can't even lie), came in my office for our first session and asked if I did couples therapy to help people break up. Shocked that I responded in the affirmative, I realized that it may be strange that people think the act of breaking up needs therapy too. And they do, often more than decisions to stay together through struggles and disappointments.
Yesterday, my longest-term client at my current practice had what we call in the business "a breakthrough." She had been struggling throughout our work together about whether she should stay in her current relationship and how she can grow through the struggles she faced with her partner. But yesterday, she made a decision. In a way she hadn't before. Yes there were times she felt she could make it through. Yes there were times she was planning to leave. But I saw in her face something that I had never seen before: TRUTH.
In this moment, she realized what had been her truth since we met (and probably before). She finally said it and HEARD it. She finally gave in to her truth, rather than fighting against the pain of what it meant.
She decided she had to leave. She has to break up.
And it is a damn hard thing to do. Besides the logistics of moving out, finding a new home, telling family members and others in their lives together, there was something else. Something we so often ignore. Or run from. Or plan around. There was truth. Truth that breaking up is what she needs to do for herself, for her sanity and safety, and for her own progress.
The experience and privilege I felt sitting in this room with her during her process overwhelms me still. To know that I witnessed this beast of burdensome truth come out of her and finally be present for her in an undeniable way, is something I will always be indebted to. Again, I am in awe of the wonderful work I get to do and the wonders of the humans whom I am lucky enough to see.
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