Boo!

In lieu of Halloween looming in our futures, let's talk about some scary shit.  Sex.  Yep, sex is scary.  For a lot of different reasons for a lot of different people.

I sit with one woman who is "afraid" of sex with her boyfriend because she knows it will lead to sexual disappointment, frustration, and no satisfaction on her part.

I sit with a man who is "afraid" of sex with his wife because of the damage he has caused her and his family from his multitude of affairs and sexual compulsivity.

I sit with a woman who is afraid of sex with her husband because being vulnerable sexually also means she is vulnerable to him physically, and has been physically abused by him in the past.

I sit with a woman who is mean and distances from her current boyfriend because a past boyfriend of hers had emotionally abused her so badly she defends against any form of affection out of fear that it will become abuse.

What does all of this have in common?  Fear.  More specifically? Fear of intimacy.

Boo!

The thing we are all afraid of on a real, deep-down level:  Intimacy with another.

For whatever reasons, whether it's because we've disappointed someone, because we've been hurt emotionally/physically/sexually, because we don't know what others will think of us, because we have been told we aren't good enough, because we've been abandoned, people are afraid to commit, to jump, to be vulnerable, to take risks.

Intimacy means that your partner could leave and hurt you.  Intimacy means that you could hurt your partner.  Intimacy means allowing others to see the shitty sides of you, not just your awesomeness.  Intimacy means allowing someone new to be different than the person before them.  Intimacy means letting go in a real way and hoping that your partner will be there to catch you.  Intimacy means talking out loud about inadequacies and frustrations about your partner TO your partner in an honest and constructive way.

Intimacy means doing all of these things and knowing/hoping/believing that the other person (friend, partner, otherwise) will still be there to love you.  Regardless.  Regardless of your past.  Regardless of your anger.  Regardless of your crazy side.  Regardless of your sexual inadequacies.  Regardless of the mess of a person you are, that no one knows about.

One of my favorite exercises to have couples do with one another when they are struggling with fears of intimacy and abandonment is to have the couple take "breaking up" off of the proverbial table.  It doesn't exist.  It's not an option.  Not anymore.  Believing that the other partner is there, no matter what, and moving forward TOGETHER, is how real intimacy can take place.  *Now, I would not suggest this method of intimacy for clients in abusive relationships, or relationships where one partner does want to leave or is not fully committed to the relationship.*

By giving your all to another, you take a risk, you act vulnerably, and you form intimacy.  By having this "safety net" of commitment; you can show off your crazy and know that the other will be there for you and won't leave.  This doesn't give you license to go bat shit, but it does allow you to put down guards that are built out of fear that if you show the slightest glimmer of vulnerability, you will be alone.

So, try it.  The next time you or your partner are holding back from connecting, from truly seeing one another, ask if you can take "breaking up" off of the table as something to fear.  Either way, this will illicit a conversation worth having.